CRUNCH TIME AT THE NORTH POLE
a short play
FADE IN : INTERIOR - Psychiatrist’s Office.
A warm yet modern room with two easy chairs. Seated in one is a woman, elegant, in the September of her years, business casual, legs crossed. Her credentials adorn the wall behind her. Seated in the other is a rather large, exhausted man. Long beard, rosy cheeks, he sits, slumped. There is a strange, pungent odor, perhaps emanating from under his shiny black boots. Both have the good taste not to say anything about it.
Doc
So, how are you doing, Kris?
Kris
How do I look, Doc? I’m fat, swollen and tired.
And we’re still over two weeks away!
Doc
Seems each year yo….
Kris
(grumbling continues) Damn, Internet! I can’t keep up with all the new toys and gadgets. And last weeks’ model isn’t good enough for these little bast….er, kids today! Faster, more power, multiple capabilities. I ain’t Sony. I’m working with elves, for reindeers’ sake! You ever see an elf on no sleep weld himself to a motherboard with a blazing hot sodering iron?!?! The screams alone will shake the snow off your shingles in an instant. Shattered Mrs. Claus’ unicorn collection. Now, my insurance is through the igloo!
Doc
It’s a different world now, Kris. You just ha…..
Kris
And those toy lists! Nobody brings them to Macy’s anymore. Oh no, they clog up my e-mail with over-sized attachments night and day, like a million pieces of holiday spam, and not the good kind of spam, where your dip it in egg wash and deep fry it up in whale blubber….
Doc
(cringes, then) Kris, they’re only children….
Kris
Hey Doc, if it was just the kids, no problem. The world is a tougher place for all of us, much more than it’s ever been. Everybody’s in it for themselves. I think it still can change. More folks want to believe in something. Old paradigms are falling like a house of cards. I get it. I’m the perfect target. They don’t REALLY think I exist, but why not take a chance, write me a letter that you wanted to do 40 years ago……
Doc
Sounds like they need you.
Kris
Yeah, I know, it makes my bowl full of jelly jiggle even more, but…nobody ever asks me….about me!
Doc
Asks you what, Kris?
(a beat)
Kris
You know, (a little shy)….what, maybe what Santa wants for Christmas?
Doc
(a little dumfounded) Isn’t it just cookies and milk?
Kris
(laughs) Doc, look at me. Do I look like I need cookies and milk? I may be ageless and timeless, but the trans fat in those cookies is putting extra weight and pressure on my sleigh bells. Not to mention I’m borderline lactose intolerant.
Doc
Who knew?
Kris
Nobody asked.
Doc
Point taken. (a beat) So, can I ask you a question.
Kris
Sure.
Doc
What do you want for Christmas, Kris?
Kris
Nothing, really?
Doc
No, go on.
Kris
Nothing, honest,
Doc
Kris, you just said…
Kris
(excited like a kid) Got ya! What do I want?!?! Oh, I’m ready for that one. I’ve been making and re-making this list for years and years. And I just want three things. That’s it. Then I’ll get back to work. Well, in a few days. I still have to watch all the Dexter episodes I’ve Tivo’d…
Doc
So, what are those three things you’d ask from…your Santa?
Kris
I’m not in the best shape in the world. No, really. It’s damn near impossible eat right AND get excersise, now that we’ve gone year round at the North Pole to keep up with the demand for joy and toys. Seems many of my business world boys and girls feel the same. Well, my Santa should check out http://www.nustep.com/ . They have a Recumbent Cross Trainer, the TRS 4000, setting a new standard in exercise. You get a great cardio workout that is both easy on the knees and back. And mine’s killin’ me all the time. You know how heavy a frostbitten reindeer is?
Doc
More than I care to imagine…..I thought you didn’t like the Internet?
Kris
Gee, I can’t seem to recall your name on the “Nice” list?
Doc
Got it. Internet. Santa. One and the same.
Kris
At least for now.
Doc
What would gift # 2 be?
Kris
Another no-brainer, Doc. Once I’m in shape, it’s time to relax again. And that dusty old rocker is no place for my jolly old elf to nestle anymore.
(a beat)
Don’t go there, Doc!
Doc
Perhaps something in a recliner, then?
Kris
You bet your candied gum drops, Doc! And not just any recliner, for this fat boy! I want a 2007 La-Z-Boy Power Recliner with 10 motor, continuous or pulsating, massage with heat recliner styles. Woof. Try clicking
http://www.la-z-boy.com/ourfurniture/collections/power_recliners.aspx
and I feel calmer already.
Doc
Looking to lose yourself in a wave of tranquility?
Kris
Nah. Just catching up on sleep. Mrs Claus snores like a teamster after a donut binge.
Doc
Sorry to hear that. Now, what would be your third wish?
Kris
That’s a toughie. So many good choices. The hot sauce sampler at www.insanechicken.com , or www.champagnemagic.com to celebrate the New Year, even www.101cookbooks.com with a new frozen fish recipe…
Doc
Say, for a guy who complained about the Internet, you sure know plenty of Way Cool Websites! Where can I get such a culinary compendium of fabulous websites?
Kris
I thought you’d never ask, Doc. I got them all from the Spellos Brothers new book, 99 Fabulous FOOD Websites You Can’t Eat Without. Hey, if all the boys and girls help Santa out and go to http://www.lulu.com/content/443889 to buy the book, maybe he will have some more well-deserved time in his new recliner!
Doc
Great ideas, Kris. Well, look at the time. That’s your session for today?
Kris
And you didn’t mind the shameless plug for Jim and Peter’s book?
Doc
Why should I dear? Same time next week, Kris?
Kris
You bet, Mrs. Spellos. Say hi to your boys for me. And tell them I have something special for them this year.
Doc
I believe they already have already gotten something special, Kris.
They have each other. And, they still believe in you.
(a beat)
Merry Christmas, Santa!
Kris
Same to you, Mrs. S! And a Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
(a long beat)
Now, for reindeer’s sake, could you help me out of this chair?
(blackout)
fini
